Days 20 and 21

I've lost touch with what day I'm atand I haven't got much to report.  I still struggle up the hill, but not as badly.  I don't feel strong and I would like to.  I can't say I am enjoying it exactly, but I am really glad I'm doing it because it is so much better for me than not doing it!

9st 5.  I'm quite depressed about progress on the weight front, because it matters to me SO MUCH - not the weight, but how I feel in my clothes.  I have definitely still got an extra stone on me, so really even 8st 10 is too much, but at least it would be a start and when I'm there I can decide where to go.

What I really want to say is that I haven't got anything interesting to say on the subjects of running or weight loss for the time being, so I will only post on the days where I feel inspired.

Day 21

Not so cold, grey.  What can I say?  Still feel better for having gone, though.

9st 5. +2 1/4llbs.  Again, what can I say?  I'm still doing the right thing, but the time of the month is making it very hard.  And I feel like I have nothing positive to say, so I'll say nothing, until this time has passed.

Day 20

Half way through!  I should feel pleased with myself, but as I said already, I know I'm going to do it now, (bar unforeseen setbacks) so it doesn't seem such an achievement somehow.  That's all wrong, but I don't know how to make it right.

God it is so drearily grey and cold.  There was no joy today.  I have decided to concentrate on trying to run a bit quicker each time.

9st 5 1/2.  +2 1/2llbs.  Well this is boring, depressing and I don't understand it, but it is a step in the right direction and I just have to do more, I suppose.

Wah!

Day 19

Another cold but sunny run under my belt.  Just as well, because....

9st 6 1/2. +3 3/4llbs.  There have been tears.

I really don't understand it.  I have continued with smaller portions.  There has been no snacking except on veg.  True I had a slice of chocolate cake yesterday for Ben's birthday, but I didn't succumb to the intense pressure of scones, cream and jam and I had no supper.  I wake up really hungry in the mornings.

So how could this be?  What more can I do?  I could give in and try and work out points for everything.  But what are the points in a slice of home made by someone else's chocolate cake?  See?  It's impossible.  Surely the fact that I replaced a meal with that should be sufficient?

I cannot express how defeated I feel.

Days 17 and 18

Yesterday's run was very cold grey and boring.  Today I almost was looking forward to going out.  It is still SO cold, but the sunshine makes soooo much difference to how I feel.

9st 4 3/4.  +1 1/4llbs.  Well I am still being good, so I think that this must be a blip.  If I keep up my small portion sizes, then over time I must surely lose weight.  I enjoy being hungry at breakfast, although I am so tempted to overeat because I do love my Smythe's granola so!

The only thing that is causing some doubt is that yesterday I made a chicken curry using light coconut milk, which is still very high in saturated fat, so points wise it was probably quite high.  Then I had eggs, also high in saturated fat.  Oh well, time will tell and I will have to make more adjustments if I'm not losing.

I still don't feel it yet.  That would make a difference, too.

Day 16

Coming home from the cinema last night it was a freezing cold -2, and I was filled with dread at the thought of my run in the morning.  It was made worse by a bad night's sleep and the fact that there was no Tony to encourage me.

I did it though, and it was cold, but so beautiful.  On the way back the sun came out, shining its morning pink hue on a front lawn which was studded with little crocuses and sparkling with frost.  It was truly lovely.  I felt so glad to be out.

9st 41/2.  A 1/2 llb over target, but I'm on my way.  I know what the difference is, it is commitment.  It is the same as my running.  As soon as you stop allowing yourself the luxury of going down the 'well, maybe it wouldn't matter if....' road, then it's simple.  I was hungry in the night because I only had a small portion of supper, and usually I would tell myself that it was so small I could allow myself a tiny bit more....

Now I've been here before.  The difficult part is to keep it up for ever and ever.  Like the running, I suppose.  Once you are at goal, then you have lost the motivation to keep it up.  I'm sure I've read books about this, but I never properly thought about it before.  I'm getting ahead of myself, though because I'm not even half way through lent yet.

Days 14 and 15

I don't feel the urgency to write any more, mainly I think because I bore myself by obsessing about my weight when it was all supposed to be about the run.

A few thoughts have come up.  I know now that, bar injury or some unforseen event, I am going to complete the 40 days.  It seemed such a tough challenge at first because in the past I've always allowed myself to indulge in the 'I don't feel like it today' which ultimately results in going less and less, and then not at all.  Now I don't even go there and I just do it regardless of how I feel.

What happens when the 40 days is up, though?  I know I'm not even half way through yet, but it's pretty much the same as running has always been for me; really tough and uncomfortable, but good when it's over.  I certainly don't get a runner's high, but I do feel a certain satisfaction with having visited the outside and gasped in some fresh air.  I never feel like I'm becoming a runner.  I don't even notice the difference that being slightly fitter makes.  I'm not losing weight from it.

So is it really worth it? Where do I go from here?  I suppose I wait for the 40 days to pass, because something might shift.

I haven't weighed myself for 2 days now because I've been distracted by leaks and door fitters.  I am trying to be good, though, so hopefully tomorrow will bring some good news.

Day 13

Another beautiful sunny and frosty morning.  It is a pleasure to run (down) Bishops Down Park Road with the lovely houses and views.  Not so much of a pleasure running up the unmade part of Coniston Avenue!  If only I could enjoy that feeling of struggling up hills, I'd be there!

9St 7.  Hopeless.  I have to start pointing today so that I know what I'm doing.  It works, but it's so boring.  It's all very well when you buy ready made food and look at the calories and sat fats, but working them out when you do a recipe and then have a random portion is a lot more time consuming, and very difficult sometimes.  I don't cook by measuring things exactly and so it would be different each time for the same dish.  and it is why I don't stick to it.  Often you can't find the points values for foods I use, either.

I'm so bored of soups, that I have decided to turn to salads again.  Any interesting ideas anyone?

I must try to drink the obligatory daily 1.5l water.  In two days only a small glass has passed my lips!

Lord, it's all so difficult!

Day 12

Sunny and frosty this morning. I still don't find it easy by any means, but my lungs never feel like they are collapsing any more - they are capable of giving me what I need, although not with ease!

I would like to be able to truly enjoy the run, though, instead of getting through it.  I would love for it to be easier still.  But would it be as beneficial then?

9st 7 today.  I'm just not going there.  I'll carry on with what I know I must do, and someday it will be evident.

Day 11

Very wet run.  I am proud that I managed to go, even without Tony being there.

9st 81/4.  Heavy night last night, but I don't believe it.  If it wasn't for the run I'd be slitting my wrists! I'm still going for target, though, but it's going to be harder.

Day 10 - 1/4 of the way there

Today I concentrated on pretending that I was both looking forward to, and enjoying the whole run instead of dreading it and finding it a struggle, and funnily enough, it was more enjoyable.  Some sunshine would be nice - it is so abjectly dreary at the moment.

9st 61/4.  Only 1 3/4 measly pounds in 10 days.  Looking on the bright side, it's in the right direction and not much denial so far.

Always look on the bright side, Nicky.

Day 9

It is always much easier for me to run when I feel ready to get up in the morning.  This morning I was still half asleep as I started, and it was quite hard on my poor, short legs!  I wasn't late to bed but the cat woke me up by playing with a cardboard box in the middle of the night.

9st 61/2.  After that lovely anniversary lunch yesterday, and after bumping into Sibby and being forced to eat a chocolate rabbit because she'd bought 3 for £1.  BAD Sibby!

I can't help fixating on the weight loss, instead of the running which was supposed to be what this was about.  I still can't work out how to stop feeling that I am denying myself food, when I have to in order to eat less.  Tony said that goals should be empowering because they should be achievable, and suggested changing my goal.  He said that I would be pleased if I were 8st 12 in 160 days.  It is true, I would be.  It is no good reaching my goal sooner so that I can start indulging myself again because by the 160 days I could be back to where I am.  Or is it better to reach the goal sooner with some short term denial, and then try and find some longer term goals to keep me on track, and to lose a bit more?  Ultimately I feel I would be happy at around 8st 7.

The fact is, though, that I constantly deny myself food.  I would definitely eat more nuts and crisps and drink more wine, and a fryup for breakfast every weekend would be nice.  I would buy crunchies and chocolate peanuts and have fresh bread and butter and lovely cheese on a regular basis if I were to let myself go.

Mmmmm, more thought needed.  Also, more credit to me for doing the running, because I am still on target there, and that isn't easy either.  Well done Nicky!

Day 8 - 1/5 of the way through

It wasn't raining today and I was awake and ready to go.  It is getting less painful, slowly.  I was aware today that I'm leaning forward when I run (staggering) and I need to envisage being pulled by a thread from my belly button, which helps to run tall.

It's lovely sitting here, before 8, all dressed and ready to go and with a feather in my cap.  It is good to start the day with the feeling of accomplishment.  And it is helping me deal with the 9st 71/2 that the scales have thrown at me.  At this rate I'll need 160 days to lose my 10 llbs.

Tony did point out, not very sympathetically I thought, that my last night's portion of spaghetti was about 3 times the weightwatcher measure.  And I had BREAD with my CREAM of mushroom soup at lunch.  It's true.  I haven't really denied myself anything yet, except a slice of chocolate cake on Monday!

But isn't this the rub - why must it be about denial?  I need to turn it around somehow, so that I don't WANT that huge portion of spag bol, which was, by the way, delicious.  How can I desire to eat less of the lovely food I cook?  Any (sensible) suggestions?

I'm going to try to eat from a smaller plate, so that I'm more aware of portions.

But today it's Tony's and my 15 year anniversary and we're going out to lunch.  It's a treat for God's sake!  And, yes, I MUST have wine.  His card read "another year of fun", which was very funny!

Day 7 - end of week 1

Today was uncomfortable running, because I needed the loo.  Not desperately, but enough not to be able to think of much else.  Could this be why my lungs didn't seem to burst as much?  I say this very tentatively, but it seemed a little easier today.  We ran the course the other way, and I don't think the hills are as steep , so it could be that.  It would be nice to report, though, that after a week it is getting easier.  I won't say it yet, just in case!

It was very hard to get up and out though.  I felt so tired this morning because I stayed up late watching The Big Chill.

9st 63/4 - this all seems too good to be true!

Day 6

Today I have developed a new way of running.  In fact it isn't strictly running, it is really creeping.  Rather than slowing right down and taking baby steps up the hill, I try to bend my knees more and extend my legs - like John Cleese.

I faced two of my fears this morning.  I passed 2 men (only because they were going downhill) whilst I was creeping up the steepest part of the hill, wheezing for breath - I sound like a steam train - and worse, I didn't manage to overtake a man who was walking up the hill ahead of us.

9st 71/2 - I KNEW it.

Day 5 - not even a week yet!

More rain - which makes the thought of going out more difficult, but is otherwise just a bit wet - and more painful lungs.  My legs seemed heavy today, and my lungs bursting.  It was harder still.  I'm not even looking at times yet.  I can only reveal them if they improve, because they really are very sad!

On a brighter note, another day under the belt, and 9st 7.  I can't take credit - scale shenanigans!

Day 4 - 1/10 of the way, but running backwards weight loss-wise

Ran my little course backwards today, which gave a change of scenery.  Still painfully gasping for air - I suppose it feels much like having asthma.  It was raining but that didn't make much difference, other than it was wet!

9st 83/4 (I was going to lie, because I feel ashamed, but what is the point?!)  I can see that this obsession will take over from the running.  It just makes me depressed.  ALL my jeans are too tight and uncomfortable, so mornings are miserable, trying to find something to wear to disguise the worst.  But, then I can stuff myself on nuts and guzzle G&T's and wine without allowing myself so much as a thought to how directly it is linked.  It took Tony to remind me as I was tucking into second helpings, and I could have killed him for it.

It is so breathtakingly simple - eat less, exercise more and lose weight - ta daaaah!  Why then is the psychology so complicated?  Somewhere there is a fundamental shift, like the difference I experienced between giving up smoking, and finally, years later, actually stopping being a smoker.

If I could find the secret to the fundamental shift, then I could make SOOOOO much money.

Day 3

On the upside: a beautiful, bright, sunny and frosty morning, and another run under my belt.
On the downside: pain, bursting lungs, and wine, home made nutella and ice cream last night!

Day 2 out of 38

Such a long way to go!  More of the same.  It still hurts.  I really think that my years of smoking have badly damaged my lungs.  I just can't breathe in enough air.

I have weighed myself today, because it would be lovely if this running could contribute towards some weight loss - blobby fat losss, to be more specific.

9st 8, which is pretty heavy for me.  I would normally start to do something about it at this stage which would result in a 2lb loss before I lost all motivation.  It would be ideal to lose a whole stone.  In actual fact it would be just about possible in 40 days, but now I feel like I'm overloading myself with things to achieve during lent and I don't want to end up a failure!

Shall I make that another goal? OK I shall, but not the whole stone, 10 lbs would make me happy.

God it hurts

I have decided to run just over a mile for every single day of lent (except the first, because I hadn't thought of it then!)

Today Caitlin joined Tony and I but she was in a bad mood, which was made much worse by the fact that she tripped and went flying, grazing her knee and elbow.  We made her finish the run, though, and by the time she had, her mood had improved and she had got over the misery that could so easily have lasted all day.

She did upset me by walking alongside me and overtaking me as I was struggling up the hill.  I am SO awfully hopeless, and it HURTS every single cell of my body, and I feel so COMPLETELY inadequate, and yes, I could very easily walk it faster.  So why run it?  Why put myself through the misery?  Because, I so very hope that one day I will actually be able to run, and enjoy it, because it is without doubt, the easiest way to get your heart beating fast.

At least at the end of this 40 days I will be able to see if there is a point, and what exactly it is.